Finding Hope and Healing: A Personal Account

Hi, I’m David. M, I created this blog, to share my experience, thoughts and journey about mental health, how to overcome, adapt and grow.

I have bipolar disorder type 1, PTSD, OCD and autistic tendencies. Moreover, I suffer from other health issues: chronic fatigue, back pain, muscle and joint pain, eye fatigue, tinnitus etc.

I have been in remission from manic episodes since 2006.


At the peak of my illnesses I took up to 5 types of medications. Now, I take only 1 type of medication (10mg Olanzapine daily) and there is a possibility that I will be medication free for the rest of my life.

I’ve successfully lost weight, maintained a healthy BMI, and am actively working to regain my fitness with little but notable success.

In this blog, I will write about what worked and what didn’t to surmount different difficulties that interact to create a vicious circle which is more challenging.

Additionally, I have created this blog as it is known that writing is a form of therapy as it will help me organize my thoughts and gain more depth by writing, researching and reviewing specific health topics.




The Long Game Wins: How Small Steps Led to My Cycling Success

After publishing my blog post Understanding a Repeating Pattern where I discussed joints injuries and my efforts to address them I glad to share that 10 months after of buying the bicycle I was able to reach a level of confidence and well being using it that I had not achieved before.

That is I stopped having knee pain or any other type of discomforts that forced me to stop using the cycling all together.

In fact, during the first 10 months using the bicycle I spent more than half of time not biking due to knee pain. At the maximum I cycled for 2 weeks before having a limiting injury.

However, for the last month I used my city bike comfortable everyday, and better than that I took very little to no breaks when going for longer trips.

Clearnly psychoeducation, resilience and patience paid off. Also being grateful that exercise is beneficial for mental or physical health.

However, I still need to be cautious, as climbing the stairs repeatedly on the same day triggers knee pain. Also I still avoid riding the bike for longer trips on consecutive days.

Meantime, always play the long game and opt for gradual improvements and the sustainability of cycling habit.

Finally, as one success beings another, I’ve broken sweat during cycling which is something that did not happen for around 2 decades, my calves have become noticeably stronger, and I enjoy the elevated heart rate from speed cycling.

These achievements feel like major progress—especially since I didn’t anticipate them. They’ve also boosted my self-confidence.




Conclusion

Listening to hundreds of podcasts about psychology, reading around 20 books about psychology, and still continuing my psychoeducation have all deepened my understanding of my mental health struggles and character flaws, which in return help me fix major behavioral problems that were holding me back form a healthier and better life.

It is also worth noting that this success of cycling without an injury after 10 months of trial and error is relatively a quick progress considering that in my case it has taken me 5 years and sometimes more to fix other type of issues.


This reinforces that patience and resilience are essential for improving quality of life, particularly when dealing with multiple health challenges.

How Avoidance Behavior Affected Me—and How I’m Overcoming It


Avoidance behavior is a psychological coping mechanism in which the individual avoids/escapes feelings, activities, situations, and thoughts to evade discomfort. Although, this offers some short term relief but reinforces anxiety over the long run. Avoidance behavior also prevents us from building healthy coping strategies.

Based on my personal experience with avoidance behavior, it turns out it is a key maladaptive behavior, that led to limiting nearly all aspects of my life for over a decade until I recognized its impact.


I – The Emergence of the Awareness of Avoidance Behavior


Undoubtedly, overcoming a decade of avoidance behaviors isn’t easy, as these maladaptive patterns tend to become reinforced if not addressed promptly—whether through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or gradual exposure.

In my experience, my avoidance behavior began with a decline in self-confidence triggered by a relapse of bipolar disorder with psychosis, which resulted in an injury, chronic fatigue, and joint pain.

I was no longer able to engage in the sport I was passionate about—a defining and central activity in my life—and I couldn’t understand what was happening to me both mentally and physically.


II- Facing Avoidance Behavior



Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after 17 years of treatment that I saw a psychiatrist who attempted to treat me with psychotherapy. This psychotherapy proved effective, and I continue to pursue psycho-education to better understand psychology and the solutions it offers for achieving my life goals and fulfillment.

After 17 years, I gradually came to understand my health issues better and acquired new tools to work on my mental health—particularly in addressing my avoidance behavior.

1- Identifying avoidance behavior

The psychiatrist and after that a psychologist help me recognize avoidance patterns, challenge irrational fears, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

To alleviate the symptoms of avoidance behavior, I had to identify avoidance triggers with:

– Keeping a calendar to record situations that triggered my avoidance, along with the associated feelings, thoughts, and behaviors before and after each event.

– Noting recurring patterns such as social phobia, avoiding travel and physical activities, and being overly sensitive to even minor physical pain.

When I journal on my calendar, consistently use keywords: “Avoidance Behavior Journal” so that I can easily locate all my related entries.

I review these entries on my journal which has helped me identify patterns and cues such as:


– Avoiding going outdoor to socialize – Having thoughts of physical pain, especially back pain. Which make me think that I won’t be able to sit with people long enough, that supposedly will make me feel weird and rejected. – Becoming overly focused on work and productivity, to the point where I de-prioritize social interactions, ironically increasing my anxiety and reinforcing avoidance behavior.

These logs when reviewed help me better understand my problems, their origins and the correlations between thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Besides, these notes are the essentials to challenge negative thoughts, which supported my use of the following techniques:



2- Cognitive Restructuring


Recognizing cognitive distortions, in my case: black and white thinking, overgeneralization, catastrophising and mind reading (in social settings another reason to feel uncomfortable with people), and the tendency maximizing the negative and minimizing the positive.

After studying cognitive biases from several books, I was able to recognize that these biases are not based on evidence and which allowed me to view situations more realistically instead of resorting to worst-case scenarios.

Then being more self-compassionate and less of a perfectionist I replaced some of these negative thoughts with more realistic and constructive one.


2- Gradual Exposure Therapy in Synergy with Behavioral Activation


Definitions:
Gradual Exposure Therapy (GET) is a type of psychotherapy that helps individuals overcome anxiety, fear, or avoidance behaviors by gradually exposing them to the feared situation, object, or activity.

Behavioral Activation (BA) is a type of psychotherapy that aims to help individuals overcome depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions by increasing engagement in meaningful, pleasurable, and goal-directed activities.

In this next step, I gradually test my new thoughts. If I am not that confident, I won’t follow a strict step-by-step approach but I will use baby-steps, that is taking the smallest steps possible.

For example, when it comes to exercising, instead of aiming to walk 1 kilometer, I might start by walking just 100 meters. Some studies suggest that even simply wearing sports clothes—without exercising or going out—can serve as a meaningful first step.

“The Zeigarnik Effect is the power of unfinished business or interrupted or uncompleted activity to hold a privileged place in memory. Unfinished tasks create a cognitive burden, weigh more heavily on the mind, and are more easily recalled than completed tasks.”
Psychology Today

In this case, the Zeigarnik effect is used to combat avoidance behavior. As when we start a task and create a sense of unfinished business, this discomfort motivates us to complete the task. Research however, suggest that Zeigarnik effect is most effective when used in conjunction with planning and intentional task initiation.

Every time I practiced gradual exposure, I observed that my automatic negative thoughts and avoidance behaviors were neither logical nor realistic. Often, I found myself caught in a vicious cycle of negativity, catastrophizing events. This awareness helped me realize that many of these issues were self-generated, enabling me to adjust my thinking and gradually reduce avoidance over time.


For example, I recently took up biking. Initially, I experienced knee pain, so I used my bicycle less often and only for shorter distances because I feared further pain, complications, or even disabilities. However, by employing exposure techniques and arming myself with the courage and awareness I gained through psychology and personal experience, I discovered I could use my bike far more than I had expected.

In fact, I am able to use the bicycle on long trip without a notable discomfort when back home. The pain happens mostly before and at the beginning of the trip.

I have also noted that when I use bike with a friend I care less about the pain and sometimes I forget about it altogether.
Thus, using exposure therapy, behavioral activation and Zeigarnik Effect in tandem I could get tangible results to alleviate avoidance behavior.

It is worth noting that the key goal difference between exposure therapy and behavioral activation is exposure therapy aims at reducing fear/anxiety to specific triggers and behavioral activation goal is to counteract withdrawal and restore functioning.

    3 – Islam


    Islam offers abundant guidance and many rules that help combat avoidance behavior. For example:

    • Trust in Allah: Relying on Allah—knowing that He is All-Powerful (Al-Qadir) and All-Knowing (Al-Aleem)—is not a passive resignation. Instead, it’s an active reliance combined with taking the necessary actions. Recognizing that ultimate success or failure is in Allah’s hands helps diminish the fear that fuels avoidance behavior. This, in turn, reduces the pressure of negative outcomes and makes us more likely to confront problems rather than avoid them.
    • Allah’s All-Knowledge: Being aware that Allah knows what is best for us—even when we don’t fully understand His plan—helps us trust Him. What we fear may actually hold unseen benefits.

    “وَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَكُمْ وَعَسَى أَن تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ

    “
    [Al-Baqarah: 216]
    Translation: “But perhaps you hate something and it is good for you; and perhaps you love something and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 216)

    As a personal anecdote, my health problems led me to change my career path to remote freelancing. This shift allowed me to work on more varied and challenging projects. The energy and time saved on commuting were invested in studying a diverse range of subjects—including psychology, Islam, and computer science—which, in turn, spurred significant personal growth and deepened my insights into my mental health issues and life overall.

    Many people wish for their thorny problems to be solved immediately. However, the wisdom of Allah is such that His solutions may take time to manifest. They might seem delayed, but they are ultimately inevitable and just. An Arabic proverb echoes this sentiment:
    “الله يمهل و لا يهمل”
    (literally, “Allah gives time but does not neglect,” equivalent to “The mills of God grind slowly.”)

    By relying on Allah without resorting to passivity, we find comfort in knowing that He is omniscient and omnipotent, and that our patience will be rewarded in this life and the hereafter. As the following hadith states:

    عَنِ النَّبِيِّ ﷺ قَالَ

    :مَا يُصِيبُ المُسْلِمَ، مِنْ نَصَبٍ وَلاَ وَصَبٍ، وَلاَ هَمٍّ وَلاَ حُزْنٍ وَلاَ أَذًى وَلاَ غَمٍّ، حَتَّى الشَّوْكَةِ يُشَاكُهَا، إِلَّا كَفَّرَ اللَّهُ بِهَا مِنْ خَطَايَاهُ

    Translation: The Prophetﷺ

    said: No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins thereby.

    Indeed, Islamic teachings provide valuable guidance for effectively addressing and resolving problems. The wisdom of Islam alleviates the pressure and negativity stemming from avoidance behavior in both practical and spiritual ways—bringing peace and serenity.

    Finally, although there is much more to say about how Islam improves quality of life—whether or not one has mental health issues—I will conclude with a brief quote from Nabulsi in Arabic, along with its English translation:

    كل شيء وقع أراده الله، وكل شيء أراده الله وقع، وإرادة الله متعلقة بالحكمة المطلقة، والحكمة المطلقة متعلقة بالخير المطلق، بالكون لا يوجد شر مطلق، يوجد خير مطلق، وشر نسبي موظف للخير، هذه حقيقة إيمانية كبرى، تفسر كل ما يحدث في الأرض، لأنه حينما نتوهم أن الله لا علاقة له بما يجري، هذا يعد نقصاً في ألوهية الإله، كل شيء وقع أراده الله، بمعنى سمح به، وإراداة الله متعلقة بالحكمة المطلقة، والحكمة المطلقة متعلقة بالخير المطلق

    Translation: Everything that occurs happens by Allah’s will, and everything Allah wills happens. Allah’s will is connected to absolute wisdom, and absolute wisdom is connected to absolute goodness. In the universe, there is no absolute evil; there is absolute goodness, and relative evil exists in service of goodness. This is a major tenet of faith that explains everything that happens on Earth, because when we imagine that Allah has nothing to do with what occurs, that constitutes a deficiency in the divinity of Allah. Everything that occurs happens by Allah’s will—that is, He permits it—and Allah’s will is connected to absolute wisdom, and absolute wisdom is connected to absolute goodness.

    Conclusion

    Having a holistic approach to a combat avoidance behavior using psychology techniques such as exposure therapy and cognitive restructuring with the wisdom of Islam provided a robust framework for confronting and overcoming avoidance. My life quality improved dramatically as it is build on resilience, hope and continuous training and improvement.

    Understanding a Repeating Pattern

    Preparing for the Trip

    I had to visit both the bank and the social security office in the next town. It had been over two months since I last cycled that far, primarily due to knee pain caused by a lack of gradual training and insufficient rest between rides.

    It took some courage to decide to make this trip, but in the end, I committed to doing it. Two weeks before, I had already started cycling again, albeit only around my home, without significant difficulties. Occasionally, I experienced some knee pain, but it subsided within two days or less. Given my extended break from cycling, it felt like the right time to return to one of my favorite activities.

    The Trip to the Next City

    On my way there, I took the usual breaks—walking short distances instead of cycling continuously. I also stopped at a café to rest and hydrate. My first stop was the bank, where I received answers to my inquiries.

    Next, at the social security office, I had to wait for about an hour before speaking with an administrator. Interestingly, this period of sitting helped alleviate some of my knee pain. However, the most surprising aspect was what happened on my way back home.

    Despite taking only minimal breaks, consisting of short walks, I noticed that while cycling home, I did not experience any notable pain. This pattern has occurred before—even when I used to ride a motorcycle, I rarely had back pain on the return journey.

    Unpacking This Experience

    By practicing self-awareness and reflecting on my emotions, I noticed a clear difference in my mindset before and after the trip.

    Before the Trip:

    • I felt anxious and catastrophized my knee pain.
    • My thoughts were overwhelmed with health-related worries.
    • I focused intensely on potential complications.
    • I was preoccupied with both my health and the issues I needed to resolve during the trip.

    After the Trip:

    • I felt serene and positive.
    • My mind was more relaxed.
    • I experienced little to no knee pain or muscle contractions.
    • Overall, I felt lighter and more at ease.

    The Scientific Explanation Behind Joint & Muscle Pain

    The stress response, driven by the sympathetic nervous system and the adrenal glands, plays a crucial role in muscle tension and pain. Here’s how:

    The Sympathetic Nervous System in Action

    • Adrenaline Release: This hormone increases heart rate and breathing but also causes muscle tension, which can lead to stiffness or pain if prolonged.
    • Cortisol Release: This hormone provides a longer-term stress response, increasing blood sugar, suppressing the immune system, and heightening alertness. This heightened state of vigilance can make us more sensitive to pain and discomfort.
    • Physiological Effects: Stress affects multiple bodily systems, including the cardiovascular, digestive, respiratory, muscular, immune, and nervous systems. In my case:
      • Muscular System: Prolonged muscle tension contributed to stiffness and pain.
      • Brain and Senses: Heightened focus and anxiety made me hyperaware of discomfort.

    The Role of the Parasympathetic Nervous System

    When the stress response subsides, the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) takes over, initiating relaxation and recovery:

    1. Muscle Relaxation: The PNS signals muscles to release tension, reducing pain and stiffness.
    2. Improved Blood Flow: Dilation of blood vessels restores circulation, helping muscles recover by flushing out waste products like lactic acid.
    3. Lower Stress Hormones: Decreased levels of cortisol and adrenaline reduce inflammation and prevent prolonged muscle contractions.
    4. Pain Modulation:
      • Reduced Central Sensitization: Anxiety can make the nervous system hypersensitive to pain. Relaxation decreases this sensitivity, making pain feel less intense.
      • Endorphin Release: The body’s natural painkillers help dampen pain signals, contributing to a sense of relief.
    5. Reduced Hyperawareness of Sensations:
      • Anxiety heightens focus on physical discomfort, making minor aches seem more severe.
      • Relaxation reduces the brain’s tendency to scan for pain signals, helping to break the cycle of fixation on discomfort.

    Avoidance Behavior and Its Consequences

    Avoiding cycling due to fear of pain is a form of activity avoidance, a behavior pattern characterized by avoiding specific movements due to fear of discomfort or injury.

    Common Triggers for Activity Avoidance:

    1. Fear of Pain: The anticipation of discomfort can lead to avoidance of cycling.
    2. Fear of Injury: Concerns about worsening a condition can lead to overcautious behavior.
    3. Conditioned Fear Response: Repeated experiences of pain can create a mental association between cycling and discomfort.

    While avoidance may provide short-term relief, it leads to decreased physical function and muscle strength over time. However, I ensured that I stayed active by walking daily, understanding that complete inactivity would be detrimental.

    Overcoming Activity Avoidance

    I managed to break the cycle of avoidance through several strategies:

    • Maintaining Physical Activity: Even though I avoided cycling for two months, I remained active through regular walking.
    • Psychoeducation: Understanding avoidance behavior and cognitive biases helped me recognize that my fears were often exaggerated.
    • Gradual Exposure: I resumed cycling with short trips of 2 to 3 km, incorporating breaks to ease my body back into the activity.

    Conclusion

    This experience reinforced the strong connection between anxiety, stress, and physical discomfort. My initial knee pain was exacerbated by stress and negative anticipation, but by completing the trip and shifting into a relaxed state, the pain subsided significantly. Through awareness, gradual exposure, and an understanding of my body’s responses, I was able to break free from the cycle of avoidance and return to an activity I enjoy. Moving forward, I aim to continue building resilience by staying active and managing stress effectively.

    Rediscovering Mindfulness and Building Better Habits

    Early Attempts at Mindfulness

    More than five years ago, I tried meditation using the Headspace App, but it didn’t work out as I’d hoped. Despite practicing daily for 45 days, I struggled to make meditation a lasting habit. The tangible outcomes were minimal, and I eventually stopped.

    However, that experience introduced me to some basic concepts of mindfulness, such as observing thoughts and understanding how the mind works without interference. I learned that resisting or rationalizing negative thoughts often leads to friction and discomfort.

    Lessons from Deep Work and Deliberate Practice

    Later, I explored the ideas of deep work and deliberate practice, which shifted my focus toward monotasking. This approach significantly improved the quality of my work and the success of projects I initiated. It laid the foundation for rediscovering mindfulness with a fresh perspective.

    A New Perspective: Influential Reads

    Recently, I revisited mindfulness through two transformative books: “Slowing Down to the Speed of Life” and “Mindless Eating”. Both are filled with practical insights, but the second book, focused on the psychology of food, offered unique revelations as it was my first deep dive into the topic.

    Key Idea from “Slowing Down to the Speed of Life”

    The book reinforced the concept that thoughts are just thoughts. In psychology, this is known as thought fusion, where individuals struggle to separate their thoughts from actions, emotions, or reality. Although I had encountered this concept before, the book provided a deeper understanding.

    The primary remedy for thought fusion is awareness—recognizing thoughts for what they are and observing them from a distance, rather than identifying with them or acting on them.

    Insights from “Mindless Eating”

    The book offered numerous tips to improve eating habits, summarized as follows:

    7 Main Ideas for Eating Mindfully

    1. The Power of Smaller Portions: Use smaller plates, bowls, and containers to unconsciously reduce food intake without feeling deprived.
    2. Mindful Environmental Cues: Adjust lighting, music, and food visibility to influence healthier eating habits.
    3. Slowing Down: Take time to eat meals, allowing the brain to register fullness and satisfaction.
    4. Avoiding Distracted Eating: Focus on eating without distractions like TV or work to better monitor food consumption.
    5. Monitoring Serving Sizes: Measure portions instead of relying on visual estimations, which often lead to over-serving.
    6. Mindful Food Placement: Keep healthy foods visible and within easy reach while storing indulgent foods out of sight.
    7. Setting Food Boundaries: Use visual cues, such as leaving bones on a plate, to track consumption and deter overeating.

    5 Main Ideas to Avoid Regaining Weight

    1. Small, Sustainable Changes: Reduce calorie intake gradually (e.g., by 100 calories a day) to maintain weight loss without deprivation.
    2. Track Progress: Use physical cues, like how clothes fit, rather than relying solely on scales to monitor weight.
    3. Reinforce Positive Habits: Adjust your environment to encourage healthy habits, such as portion control and substituting lower-calorie foods.
    4. Avoid “Diet Mentality”: Focus on long-term lifestyle changes instead of extreme diets, which can lead to binge eating when restrictions are lifted.
    5. Daily Mindful Practices: Stay consistent with mindful eating strategies to avoid reverting to old habits.

    Incorporating Mindful Eating Practices

    Inspired by these ideas, I’ve begun implementing small, manageable changes. For example, I now:

    I avoid distracted eating, focusing solely on the act of eating without listening to podcasts or audiobooks.

    Food Placement: As the saying goes, “out of sight, out of mind,” making it easier to avoid overeating. Since I sometimes struggle with sleepless nights and tend to eat whatever is most accessible, I’ve developed a strategy for food placement. I now keep salad, fruits, and other healthy meals near my bed, ensuring that these are the first things I reach for instead of consuming large quantities of unhealthy food.

    Eating Slower: This approach has helped me enjoy my meals more and feel significantly more relaxed while eating. Chewing food more slowly not only enhances the flavor and enjoyment but also aligns with research suggesting that eating at a slower pace helps us feel full with less food.

    I have also been working on portion control as noted in a previous post, and leaving food on my plate to avoid overeating, as aligned with Islamic teachings.

    Islamic Guidance on Eating Habits

    Miqdam bin Ma’dikarib (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:

    “No man fills a container worse than his stomach. A few morsels that keep his back upright are sufficient for him. If he has to, then he should keep one-third for food, one-third for drink, and one-third for his breathing.”
    — [At-Tirmidhi, classified as Hadith Hasan].

    Similarity to “Hara Hachi Bu”

    This Islamic concept mirrors the Japanese principle of Hara Hachi Bu, meaning “eat until you’re 80% full.” This practice originates from Okinawa, where it is associated with lower rates of heart disease, cancer, and stroke, as well as longer life expectancy.

    A Balanced Approach to Mindfulness and Eating

    I am not trying to adopt too many new habits at once. Instead, I am focusing on observing my thoughts, avoiding tunnel vision, and incorporating two or three new eating habits at a time. This gradual, mindful approach aligns with my goal of sustainable improvement in both mindfulness and overall well-being.


    Conclusion

    Rediscovering mindfulness and adopting mindful eating habits has been a transformative journey. From my early attempts at meditation to integrating insights from profound reads like “Slowing Down to the Speed of Life” and “Mindless Eating”, I have realized the power of small, consistent changes. These adjustments, whether in managing thoughts or refining eating habits, have proven to be sustainable and impactful.

    By focusing on awareness, portion control, and the principles of moderation taught in both Islamic tradition and modern psychology, I aim to cultivate a balanced lifestyle. Instead of overwhelming myself with drastic changes, I prioritize gradual improvements that feel natural and rewarding. With mindfulness as a guiding principle, I am confident that this approach will lead to long-term growth and well-being.

    How I adapt & adjust to my mental health challenges – Part 2 –

    Reflections on Health, Diet, and Lifestyle

    A Life-Changing Dietitian Visit

    Many years ago, I visited a dietitian, a general practitioner in my city. Compared to other doctors, he stood out for his kindness and dedication. He gave me ample time during consultations, which often lasted over an hour. He explained everything in great detail, across multiple visits, ensuring I understood his advice. Importantly, he was also a good Muslim, which deeply resonated with me.

    One pivotal aspect of my journey back to Islam was the positive influence of great doctors, including this dietitian and an orthopedist. Their examples were a source of inspiration and guidance.

    Discovering the Role of Diet in Mental Health

    Initially, I visited the dietitian due to being slightly overweight. At the time, I was unaware of the significant impact diet has on mental health. To my surprise, his dietary plan helped me immensely. He introduced me to the importance of oils, emphasizing the types beneficial for mental health. Additionally, he advised on healthy sleep habits, napping, and exercise. It wasn’t solely about food, which made the experience transformative. I followed his advice diligently for around nine months before lapsing somewhat. Four years later, I revisited him for another issue.

    Recommended Reads

    The dietitian recommended a few insightful books, including one he co-authored with another physician. Two other books, foundational to his dietary philosophy, were:

    • Changer d’alimentation (Change Your Diet) by Pr. Henri Joyeux
    • L’alimentation ou la troisième médecine (Diet or the Third Medicine) by Jean Seignalet

    These books, along with others I explored on healthy recipes, greatly expanded my understanding of nutrition.

    The Hypotoxic Diet

    This diet, also known as the hypotoxic diet, is gluten-free and emphasizes raw vegetables and fruits. It avoids GMO crops like wheat, barley, and even corn due to genetic alterations that pose risks. Cooking is limited to temperatures below 100°C to minimize the Maillard reaction, which produces acrylamide—a probable human carcinogen.

    Following this diet required me to learn cooking techniques, such as steaming food without a pressure cooker to maintain low temperatures. I also avoid industrial foods and take supplements to meet nutritional needs. Embracing this diet led me to acquire valuable cooking skills.

    Religious Practices and Eating Habits

    Islamic teachings on eating align well with healthy dietary habits. I strive to eat only when hungry, leaving one-third of my stomach for food, one-third for liquid, and one-third empty. Additionally, I practice fasting every second day, following the tradition of Prophet David (peace be upon him). This is the most rigorous form of fasting permitted in Islam, as fasting daily is discouraged. Fortunately, as a Muslim, I don’t consume alcohol, which has been beneficial for my mental health.

    Growing My Own Food

    I’m planning to grow my own food at home, even with limited space. Options like vertical gardening seem promising. Unfortunately, food in my country is often laden with pesticides and toxins, as investigative journalists have revealed. By growing my own food, I aim to ensure it’s free of harmful chemicals.

    Inspiration for this endeavor comes from research on longevity, particularly studies on Blue Zones—regions where people live beyond 100 years. A common factor among these communities is growing their own food, which provides fresh, organic produce free of pesticides.

    Gardening for Health and Relaxation

    Gardening connects me with nature, helping to reduce anxiety and improve focus. Although I lack extensive gardening knowledge, I’ve read books and experimented with growing my own food. Gardening not only provides fresh produce but also fosters mindfulness and community-building through shared experiences.

    The Importance of Exercise

    Our bodies and minds are designed for movement, not sedentary lifestyles. Years ago, while obsessively reading health articles, I noticed recurring advice: avoid smoking, limit alcohol, exercise regularly, maintain a healthy weight, and eat well. These simple yet crucial practices form the foundation of a healthy life.

    A family member’s cancer diagnosis highlighted the importance of these habits for disease prevention. However, implementing them can be challenging, especially when stress and anxiety lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Starting small and building habits gradually has been a key lesson for me in recent years.

    Leisure and Hobbies

    Cooking as a Creative Outlet

    Learning to cook was essential for following my diet. I focused on simple, cost-effective recipes and meal preparation techniques that save time. For instance, I prepare large batches of North African Bassissa or Indian curry powder for convenience. Cooking has become both a necessity and a source of enjoyment, allowing me to experiment with new spice blends and mindful eating practices.

    As Prof. Henri Joyeux emphasizes, chewing food slowly and savoring each bite enhances relaxation and digestion. Combining health with pleasure has made cooking a fulfilling activity for me.

    Professional Projects

    Advancing in Computer Science

    I’ve engaged in various professional projects combining language and computer skills. Recently, I started building a home lab using a second-hand server to host applications. This project has deepened my understanding of Linux and system administration, which I find enjoyable.

    Writing and Open-Source Contributions

    Writing helps refine my thoughts and solidify my understanding. Through my blog Psyche Sprout, I explore ideas and aim to compile articles into a memoir someday. Additionally, I contribute to open-source projects by leveraging my language skills in Arabic, French, and English for software localization, documentation, and accessibility.

    Contributing to open-source projects can lead to paid job opportunities, as I’ve experienced firsthand. Moreover, translating documentation or contributing to non-coding aspects enhances software comprehension, potentially paving the way for future code contributions.

    Final Thoughts

    Investing in healthy living, whether through diet, exercise, or professional growth, brings immense benefits. Combining health, pleasure, and productivity has not only improved my well-being but also boosted my confidence and ability to tackle larger challenges. As I continue this journey, I strive to align my actions with both scientific insights and Islamic principles, creating a balanced and fulfilling life.

    How I adapt & adjust to my mental health challenges – Part 1 –

    As noted in my previous post I face multiple mental health challenges such as OCD, PTSD and bipolar disorder type I. However, I have been in remission from bipolar disorder since 2006, and I am reaching many of my life goals. What helped me improve my mental health is: changing the psychiatrist, being honest, continuous improvements, psycho-education, measuring what matters and Islam.



    Change the Psychiatrist



    Do not hesitate to consult a different psychiatrist if you do not see progress whether in your well being, or to understanding of your condition and how to manage it.

    Change before you have to. Jack Welch


    I spent 13 years with the first psychiatrist I consulted, he prescribed me Haloperidol sold as Haldol a first generation medication, and I did not see progress after a complication, I spent many years suffering unnecessarily. He even said he did not understand what is happening but at the same time warned me that seeing other psychiatrists may be dangerous and changing the medication can be a bad idea.

    With Haldol, Tegretol, and Parkizol, despite my best effort to maintain a good health, each year I spent around 2 month in severe mental and physical pain.

    Fortunately, after changing the doctor and getting prescribed Olanzapine things got better but it is not all about the medication.

    We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. Dolly Parton

    Be honest with yourself

    This is crucial and deal-breaker, if what the psychiatrist says make sense to you, follow through with his advice and guidance.

    If you are able to pinpoint issues you have that lead to inevitable life changes, better be honest with yourself and face the truth.

    For example I used to practice martial-arts and I was good at it and I loved it. However, as my health deteriorated I had to transition to gentler sports for my joints with low impact such as walking, swimming, and cycling.

    Same for work, I had no choice but to work from home and in my country as I could not travel or work in an office.

    As for education I could not have a doctoral degree or have other degrees from brick and mortar institutes or universities for this I earned 4 certificates from online academies.

    As my eyes are tired but improving, for more than a year I could not use the computer screen for more than 1h30 min a day now I am up to 3h30 . This improvement was possible because of slow and steady optimization: using a large screen, zoomed in, dark mode, relaxing my eyes by looking far away, working for a specific time than taking measured breaks, being aware of my distorted thinking and cognitive biases etc…


    Kaizen Continuous Improvements

    1- Limit further damage


    If I am severely trapped in a vicious circle of hell, and I experienced this pure hell for many years of life, all I did is limiting further damage as much as I could because if I did not do so it will get me more time and work to recover later on.

    Besides, the more damaged I become the more fragile I will be, and I will be more vulnerable to new complications. This is what happened to me, after the 2006 relapse, as I also had a back disk issue adding to it PTSD and chronic fatigue. For that reason even after 18 years I still have chronic fatigue, muscle contraction, OCD and PTSD.

    2- Do what you can with what you have

    Avoid maximizing the negative and minimizing the positive, focus on what you can do instead. This leads to the next point.


    3- Even the smallest positive move forward counts


    I won’t say step by step I will say even baby steps count, as with time and little effort this compounds to significant improvements. I break down large tasks to small and manageable tasks, I take multiple breaks if necessary. Whether it is work, study, cooking, or exercise everything become easy.


    Psycho education


    Many organizations provide free online resources, it also a great idea to listen to psychology podcasts: such as: The Savvy Psychologist, All in the Mind, Inside Bipolar, TalkDB, Speaking of Psychology etc….It will be great if you buy books about bipolar disorder and psychology in general. Of course, whether books, podcasts, or other online resources be sure that the author and source is qualified do your best to avoid information that is not credible.


    Self-awareness & self-reflection

    Be studying psychology you will acquire new tools and knowledge to adapt & adjust to our mental health issues. Taking notes about our struggle and how we are working on it to solve it will help us discover patterns and triggers that may be dealt with for better life satisfaction.

    For note taking it can as a simple audio recording or writing docs in Google Docs. Using a mood tracking app may help you pinpoint the time of the year when your mood goes up or down. You will be able to prepare yourself in advance when harder times come.


    Optimize Your Time by Measuring


    It is also helpful to measure each activity and know with precision how much it takes to able to plan you day your week and longer projects. This will also easy the synchronization different projects.

    Measure activities’ time is hugely important at work as after a couple of year of experience you will know the time needed for each task and you will be able to access the project assigned to you and the time needed to finish it, this translates in nearly 100% deadline respect for me over more than a decade of work as self-employed.


    For example I measure, the time it takes me:
    – to bike from my city to the next city
    – cooking of different recipies

    – different work tasks
    – walking to different places


    Islam

    This is profound, it is a lifestyle and sets of principles that even if they seem old school or even medieval are essential. Since I am a Muslim, I do not drink alcohol, no substance abuse, no smoking these three points only are great for everyone’s health and there are better for people with mental health.

    Besides, it is advised in Islam to sleep early, wake up early and nap, I do that too and I feel great.

    Then, when I eat it is 1/3 food, 1/3 liquid, 1/3 empty stomach and it is advisable to eat only when hungry. I did this with some degree of success and for sure it help providing me with more energy and decrease in weight.

    I avoid unnecessary speech Laghw (Arabic: لغو) and avoid backbiting too. This brings peace of mind and avoid losing energy in negativity and save our energy for things that matter.


    The thought of an after life and the possibility to go to paradise is comforting. When I did not believe in the after life and I used to study philosophy and Nietzsche in particular, it was a dark and restless place, it did not make sense to suffer in this life and then nothing.

    In Islam there is a Hadith which says: “Death is Enough as an Admonition”, I think about death nearly everyday, I go to the graveyard to visit departed family members and I follow Facebook pages that publish the people who recently died.

    This nurtured my love of life and I appreciate more that I can do many things that matters to me. I value my time and energy much much more and try not to waste the smallest amount of it in vain.

    Islam values the family relationship significantly, for this I have become more patient and accepting toward my father who is hard to deal with. I ended up being more understanding and I found more serenity in my life.


    Conclusion

    Adapting and managing mental health challenges is multifaceted, it does not rely only on a medication, psycho-education, therapy or life philosophy. It is beneficial to complement it with different constructive hobbies, healthy eating, and regular exercising. What helped me the most in my journey of recovery and vitality is Islam as it is a whole system and every details in it fosters better life and greater peace.

    In a next post I will write about the importance of healthy eating, exercising and hobbies.


    How to better my social skills: one of my main weaknesses

    Why I lack social skills



    Before my 2006 relapse I was fit and I practiced sport regularly. I met with sports buddies and developed friendships with them. I was easy going, enjoyed many hobbies, and I was able to spend entire days outside my home without an issue.


    The following are causes that led to having limited social life & skills:


    As an an introvert & 100% remote worker 

    I am an introvert and I enjoy working from the comfort of my home in front of my computer. Being an introvert means that when I spend a certain time with people my energy level will go down. Many of my hobbies can be done in front of my PC, like reading, writing, listening to podcasts, and watching travel and cooking videos on YouTube.

    The effect of having autistic tendencies

    I understand every word literally, it is quite difficult for me to understand social cues and also to communicate well. Besides, I am direct when I talk and this can damage the relationship with people I interact with. When talking to people I have limited eye contact which can have a negative interpretation. 


    How chronic fatigue and a bad back affect my social life

    Since I have a bad back and I am always tired, I can’t sit in a chair for as long as I want. Starting from the beginning of 2024 I have experienced a huge improvement as I am able to sit for more than 30 min with ease. Meantime, there are ups and downs, and I hope to see mostly improvements in my life without significant setbacks.


    I developed social anxiety 


    When I go for a walk and see people laughing I think that they are judging or criticizing me. I am aware that this form of delusion is imaginary, however, months ago I was very anxious and these negative thoughts overwhelmed me and were severe this lasted for roughly two weeks as my awareness of social anxiety diminished.

    Alhamdulillah these intense social anxiety subsided and I have no issue with these imaginary intrusive thoughts at the present time.

    Meantime, it is worth noting that I ruminate about my social interactions with strangers and people I do not know much, I keep replaying conversations and analyzing my behavior leading to self-doubt.



    The interaction of the last four points


    Because I have been working remotely since 2014, being an introvert, being to some extent autistic, having a bad back, and having social anxiety my social skills went down significantly. This led to feeling lonely and more anxious, and behaving in an unusual way when interacting with other people, which translates to occasional issues and a lot of stress.

    What I did to gain social skills and be less isolated


    As simple as: 

    – For sure psychiatrists, and I have consulted many, have decreased my social anxiety and motivated me to prioritize improving my social skills to lead a more balanced life.

    – Studying psychology and doing therapy: I know that I suffer a high level of black and white thinking, perfectionism, minimize, catastrophize, emotional reasoning and avoidance behaviors. Thus, I accept now to do things to a small extent and gradually increase it, like meeting new people, sitting a little with them better than not at all, accept imperfections in others and prioritize my own well-being  


    – meeting with friends in the cafe who understand my ill health, where I can take short breaks by walking and stretching to rest my back.

    – or phoning friends and family, even though I am aware that face-to-face interaction with people is a more powerful form of socialization as this research suggests.

    – I have also added a new habit “Socialize” in my habit app to remind me to go out and meet people and focus less on productivity and work, as putting a huge emphasis on work turns out to be counterproductive if I ignore other aspects of my life markedly. 

    In fact, going out and talking with people put into perspective my life challenges compared to other people’s challenges, and it turned out I am doing much better than many people I met despite my health limitations.


    Other small steps to be boost social life and reduce loneliness

    – I sell used products on the Facebook marketplace to meet and trade with people from different walks of life.

    – I adopted a cat, it turns out that it is scientifically proven that pets help not only with mental health but physical health as mentioned in this healthline article.


    If you suffered from limited social life please let me know how you dealt with in the comments below.

    A main event: my last bipolar disorder relapse

    As in the first blog post I haven’t had any bipolar disorder type one relapse for more than 18 years, that is since 2006. 

    So I had my first psychosis in 2001, and then I had to relapse in 2006. 

    What led to 2006 relapse?

    I was living on my own. I didn’t visit my family for around 2 months or so. I had minimal social contact except when I attended university and met with some of my friends & classmates. 

    Besides I didn’t know that bipolar disorder can be that dangerous and so damaging.  I underestimated bipolar disorder and mental health in general and I assumed if things got complicated the psychiatrist would just prescribe more medication or a new type of medication. 

    I let my guard down, I didn’t take the medication as the doctor prescribed. I was careless.

    I had a relapse

    The outcome was inevitable, because of my ignorance about mental health and the dangers it can lead to. 
    When I was particularly sick, I mean psychotic, I didn’t eat, I practiced sports obsessively and I didn’t sleep. 

    Unfortunately, after that relapse things got much more complicated. When having a manic episode I exercised excessively and I ended up with many injuries most notably my lower back. After that episode I started to suffer from chronic fatigue and muscle and joints pain, tinnitus, and severe anxiety.

    I did not recover fully even after 18 years, however, I am working on it in a more strategic and organized way and I see progress, slow progress nonetheless I am improving.

    My life changed 

    I was not able to practice sports like I used to in fact since 2006 I’m not even able to run, at certain times not even being able to walk 200 m a day.


    The experience of the relapse and with it physical weakness and injuries that came hand in hand, led to PTSD and possibly a more severe form of OCD and this is my own conclusion, not a doctor’s interpretation. My father, unaware of the seriousness of my condition, made my recovery much harder as he kept being aggressive towards me and did not let me seek better care at a  clinic for better recovery despite the psychiatrist’s insistence.

    A turning point


    The issues with physical weakness and injuries were transformative since I enjoyed practicing different types of sports and sports were my main hobbies before that event.

    I spent at least the first 3 years after the 2006 relapse panicking visiting different doctors not aware that I had developed psychosomatic illnesses.

    Nonetheless, I am lucky as I was able to earn my university degree in 2008. I fought back and still do today to get the best life possible with what I have.


    How sport forged my mental resilience


    I developed resilience thanks to the sports I practiced and the training I did when I was fit.

    In fact, there was training experience worth writing a couple of blog posts about and doing more reading and research to have a better grasp of why that training changed me.

    This training experience was unique, when I practiced Kung Fu we had a four-day training camp on the beach, we lived in tents, and the training was fun and tough.

    And I got tougher and developed stamina especially mentally when, a sports coach who trained the military, pushed us to run for a long distance at a pace we had never experienced before and the speed was ever-increasing.

    I remember I was so tired that I did not feel my body anymore but kept running and running with my mind.

    That changed me, I knew we have more energy than we actually think and mental strength is key to a more physical power.


    Conclusion

    The 2006 relapse was devastating, however, hopefully I was able to get my university degree, even though I did not get a doctorate or PhD I am still a university graduate, and I was able to work on my field of study and still do today.

    I am not as fit as I used to, however, I am following the advice of different specialized doctors to be fit again, nutritionist, orthopedist, and psychiatrist, thanks to Allah I am seeing progress. For sure I do not only need to adapt but change, I am changing and evolving through reading too. I read extensively to be influenced by the brightest minds.

    A current and recurrent problem

    A mind-body interaction leading to psychosomatic health issues (lately in DSM5 categorized as SSD somatic symptom disorder or IAD illness anxiety disorder). It’s quite troublesome and debilitating also. This issue started after the second relapse in 2006 and I am still suffering from it until now.

    One of these psychosomatic issues I am experiencing right now is tendinitis (and overuse injury in other cases) as diagnosed by a orthopedist .

    Around 3 weeks ago when working on regaining more physical strength I injured my left shoulder. Even though I used only 1.5 kg to strengthen my upper body.

    Why am I so fragile physically  ?


    As noted in my first post I suffer from chronic fatigue, muscle contraction and fortunately nearly no muscle spasm at all for the last 2 years. Besides, I have muscles that are contracted in some parts of my body more than the general muscle contraction in the rest of my body.

    Mentally I tend to catastrophize, amplify, panic, which make my ailments worse. Since I did psychotherapy around 2 years ago, I have become more aware of these destructive thought patterns. I also studied cognitive biases, mental distortions, and I study psychology on a regular basis dedicating at least 500 min weekly for this subject.

    Moreover, there is a pattern that repeats itself, being impulsive when practicing sport and not implementing baby steps to level up my training and avoid injuries. 


    How have I improved?

    When I went to my neighbor’s house, a retired businessman, we had a 40 min chat. Then I cycled for around 15 min and showered. I ended up feeling better and my shoulder pain subsided.

    I grasped the importance of socializing more and avoiding isolation and going out more often. Even my psychiatrist says that I need to go out more which is already happening. Meantime, as an introvert and a person working from home, I should actively seek out opportunities to connect with others. In fact, I have two friends I only meet with often, my other friends moved out of my town and all my brothers are expats.

    Seeking medical attention or not?


    I made an appointment to consult a doctor then I canceled it as I knew I had to rest my shoulder more and I was able to notice that  my increasing health anxiety increases the shoulder muscle contraction and pain. That is it is mostly psychosomatic.

    Besides, I use a mobile app to track my training and I know the date when I stopped training because of injury. This tracking app help me pinpoint the date of the injury and I understood I can wait more.

    So how did I know I needed to wait more?


    The doctor I used to visit years ago very often told me to wait up to 3 weeks with these kinds of injuries, which are mostly amplified by muscle contraction, anxiety, and isolation. He even did not want to get paid once because I consulted him so much for joints and muscle overuse injury or tendinitis. These include, knee, wrist, ankle, shoulder etc. He even looked at my file and said that it looks like a file of a 70s old man when I was in my mid thirties.

    Update after nearly 3 weeks of this shoulder issue?


    Fortunately, I started to feel much better lately, and nearly regained all my shoulder mobility. As I have many interests, hobbies and I go out more often. Besides, this epitomizes probably more than 50 visits to orthopedists, so I have some experience with this kind of injury, and can often accurately determine when to seek medical attention or just rest, stay active mentally and physically -exercising other muscles- and be patient.

    To gain more control over my life and mental illnesses I structure my days productively, using Google Calendar, a habit app, weight tracker, also a finance app. Moreover, I started using a mood and sleep tracker app called eMoods. As they say it “What is measured can be managed and improved”.

    What is measured can be managed and improved.

    Bio: My First Manic Episode

    I experienced my first bipolar manic episode at the age of 17, when I was at high school. For many reasons I can think of;


    Genetics

    Bipolar disorder runs deep in my mother’s family, approximately half of my mother’s brothers and sisters have bipolar disorder.


    A dysfunctional family


    Our family was not particularly stable and peaceful. My father was a bully, a pathological liar and a control freak. My mother who is suffering from his abuse to this day kept talking in his back about his destructive behavior to us. Which made us dislike and fear him much more.

    In short, there was not much peace in my family, except that the relationship between young brothers was pretty good. We practiced different kinds of sports, played LEGO, Monopoly, and did much together.


    I did not adapt well to the new town


    I struggled to fit in after moving to a small town from a big city.

    We did not have the same accent. I was beaten by other students more than once and two teachers even slapped me. This, combined with my father’s abuse, further damaged my self-esteem and confidence.

    I had an accident


    I was injured and despite the physician’s advice, I looked at my injury—a 9-inch cut where I could see the bone. That was disturbing and I felt more fragile. Fortunately, I only needed 15 stitches on my right leg.


    A Recollection to my Visits to Psychiatrists After the First Manic Episode


    At that time my first psychiatrist was not pleased that I didn’t tell him about my leg injury sooner, as my first manic episode occurred shortly after the accident.

    The first psychiatrist I consulted in the presence of my mother, gave me Haldol, Carbamazepine and Artane. I was not taking my medication as prescribed, and the psychiatrist eventually stopped treating me after I made disrespectful comments. I went to another renowned psychiatrist but he prescribed much more medication than the first psychiatrist.

    My parents did not like that so we went back to the first psychiatrist after I agreed I would respect him.

    How was this first episode

    I was very energetic, I did not sleep, I became very organized and I liked to tidy up my room. I thought I became an important and a great person, like a philosopher or a legendary martial artist. I damaged the relationship with some of my friends. At school I did not study for a trimester. But thankfully, the high school headmistress, and some teachers helped me succeed that year.

    I stayed mostly medication compliant for a couple of years. Nearly everything went back to normal. I got my high school degree and went to university. 

    In an upcoming post I will talk about the cost of underestimating mental health issues and being non-adherent to my medication.