Finding Hope and Healing: A Personal Account

Hi, I’m David. M, I created this blog, to share my experience, thoughts and journey about mental health, how to overcome, adapt and grow.

I have bipolar disorder type 1, PTSD, OCD and autistic tendencies. Moreover, I suffer from other health issues: chronic fatigue, back pain, muscle and joint pain, eye fatigue, tinnitus etc.

I have been in remission from manic episodes since 2006.


At the peak of my illnesses I took up to 5 types of medications. Now, I take only 1 type of medication (10mg Olanzapine daily) and there is a possibility that I will be medication free for the rest of my life.

I’ve successfully lost weight, maintained a healthy BMI, and am actively working to regain my fitness with little but notable success.

In this blog, I will write about what worked and what didn’t to surmount different difficulties that interact to create a vicious circle which is more challenging.

Additionally, I have created this blog as it is known that writing is a form of therapy as it will help me organize my thoughts and gain more depth by writing, researching and reviewing specific health topics.




How to better my social skills: one of my main weaknesses

Why I lack social skills



Before my 2006 relapse I was fit and I practiced sport regularly. I met with sports buddies and developed friendships with them. I was easy going, enjoyed many hobbies, and I was able to spend entire days outside my home without an issue.


The following are causes that led to having limited social life & skills:


As an an introvert & 100% remote worker 

I am an introvert and I enjoy working from the comfort of my home in front of my computer. Being an introvert means that when I spend a certain time with people my energy level will go down. Many of my hobbies can be done in front of my PC, like reading, writing, listening to podcasts, and watching travel and cooking videos on YouTube.

The effect of having autistic tendencies

I understand every word literally, it is quite difficult for me to understand social cues and also to communicate well. Besides, I am direct when I talk and this can damage the relationship with people I interact with. When talking to people I have limited eye contact which can have a negative interpretation. 


How chronic fatigue and a bad back affect my social life

Since I have a bad back and I am always tired, I can’t sit in a chair for as long as I want. Starting from the beginning of 2024 I have experienced a huge improvement as I am able to sit for more than 30 min with ease. Meantime, there are ups and downs, and I hope to see mostly improvements in my life without significant setbacks.


I developed social anxiety 


When I go for a walk and see people laughing I think that they are judging or criticizing me. I am aware that this form of delusion is imaginary, however, months ago I was very anxious and these negative thoughts overwhelmed me and were severe this lasted for roughly two weeks as my awareness of social anxiety diminished.

Alhamdulillah these intense social anxiety subsided and I have no issue with these imaginary intrusive thoughts at the present time.

Meantime, it is worth noting that I ruminate about my social interactions with strangers and people I do not know much, I keep replaying conversations and analyzing my behavior leading to self-doubt.



The interaction of the last four points


Because I have been working remotely since 2014, being an introvert, being to some extent autistic, having a bad back, and having social anxiety my social skills went down significantly. This led to feeling lonely and more anxious, and behaving in an unusual way when interacting with other people, which translates to occasional issues and a lot of stress.

What I did to gain social skills and be less isolated


As simple as: 

– For sure psychiatrists, and I have consulted many, have decreased my social anxiety and motivated me to prioritize improving my social skills to lead a more balanced life.

– Studying psychology and doing therapy: I know that I suffer a high level of black and white thinking, perfectionism, minimize, catastrophize, emotional reasoning and avoidance behaviors. Thus, I accept now to do things to a small extent and gradually increase it, like meeting new people, sitting a little with them better than not at all, accept imperfections in others and prioritize my own well-being  


– meeting with friends in the cafe who understand my ill health, where I can take short breaks by walking and stretching to rest my back.

– or phoning friends and family, even though I am aware that face-to-face interaction with people is a more powerful form of socialization as this research suggests.

– I have also added a new habit “Socialize” in my habit app to remind me to go out and meet people and focus less on productivity and work, as putting a huge emphasis on work turns out to be counterproductive if I ignore other aspects of my life markedly. 

In fact, going out and talking with people put into perspective my life challenges compared to other people’s challenges, and it turned out I am doing much better than many people I met despite my health limitations.


Other small steps to be boost social life and reduce loneliness

– I sell used products on the Facebook marketplace to meet and trade with people from different walks of life.

– I adopted a cat, it turns out that it is scientifically proven that pets help not only with mental health but physical health as mentioned in this healthline article.


If you suffered from limited social life please let me know how you dealt with in the comments below.

A main event: my last bipolar disorder relapse

As in the first blog post I haven’t had any bipolar disorder type one relapse for more than 18 years, that is since 2006. 

So I had my first psychosis in 2001, and then I had to relapse in 2006. 

What led to 2006 relapse?

I was living on my own. I didn’t visit my family for around 2 months or so. I had minimal social contact except when I attended university and met with some of my friends & classmates. 

Besides I didn’t know that bipolar disorder can be that dangerous and so damaging.  I underestimated bipolar disorder and mental health in general and I assumed if things got complicated the psychiatrist would just prescribe more medication or a new type of medication. 

I let my guard down, I didn’t take the medication as the doctor prescribed. I was careless.

I had a relapse

The outcome was inevitable, because of my ignorance about mental health and the dangers it can lead to. 
When I was particularly sick, I mean psychotic, I didn’t eat, I practiced sports obsessively and I didn’t sleep. 

Unfortunately, after that relapse things got much more complicated. When having a manic episode I exercised excessively and I ended up with many injuries most notably my lower back. After that episode I started to suffer from chronic fatigue and muscle and joints pain, tinnitus, and severe anxiety.

I did not recover fully even after 18 years, however, I am working on it in a more strategic and organized way and I see progress, slow progress nonetheless I am improving.

My life changed 

I was not able to practice sports like I used to in fact since 2006 I’m not even able to run, at certain times not even being able to walk 200 m a day.


The experience of the relapse and with it physical weakness and injuries that came hand in hand, led to PTSD and possibly a more severe form of OCD and this is my own conclusion, not a doctor’s interpretation. My father, unaware of the seriousness of my condition, made my recovery much harder as he kept being aggressive towards me and did not let me seek better care at a  clinic for better recovery despite the psychiatrist’s insistence.

A turning point


The issues with physical weakness and injuries were transformative since I enjoyed practicing different types of sports and sports were my main hobbies before that event.

I spent at least the first 3 years after the 2006 relapse panicking visiting different doctors not aware that I had developed psychosomatic illnesses.

Nonetheless, I am lucky as I was able to earn my university degree in 2008. I fought back and still do today to get the best life possible with what I have.


How sport forged my mental resilience


I developed resilience thanks to the sports I practiced and the training I did when I was fit.

In fact, there was training experience worth writing a couple of blog posts about and doing more reading and research to have a better grasp of why that training changed me.

This training experience was unique, when I practiced Kung Fu we had a four-day training camp on the beach, we lived in tents, and the training was fun and tough.

And I got tougher and developed stamina especially mentally when, a sports coach who trained the military, pushed us to run for a long distance at a pace we had never experienced before and the speed was ever-increasing.

I remember I was so tired that I did not feel my body anymore but kept running and running with my mind.

That changed me, I knew we have more energy than we actually think and mental strength is key to a more physical power.


Conclusion

The 2006 relapse was devastating, however, hopefully I was able to get my university degree, even though I did not get a doctorate or PhD I am still a university graduate, and I was able to work on my field of study and still do today.

I am not as fit as I used to, however, I am following the advice of different specialized doctors to be fit again, nutritionist, orthopedist, and psychiatrist, thanks to Allah I am seeing progress. For sure I do not only need to adapt but change, I am changing and evolving through reading too. I read extensively to be influenced by the brightest minds.

A current and recurrent problem

A mind-body interaction leading to psychosomatic health issues (lately in DSM5 categorized as SSD somatic symptom disorder or IAD illness anxiety disorder). It’s quite troublesome and debilitating also. This issue started after the second relapse in 2006 and I am still suffering from it until now.

One of these psychosomatic issues I am experiencing right now is tendinitis (and overuse injury in other cases) as diagnosed by a orthopedist .

Around 3 weeks ago when working on regaining more physical strength I injured my left shoulder. Even though I used only 1.5 kg to strengthen my upper body.

Why am I so fragile physically  ?


As noted in my first post I suffer from chronic fatigue, muscle contraction and fortunately nearly no muscle spasm at all for the last 2 years. Besides, I have muscles that are contracted in some parts of my body more than the general muscle contraction in the rest of my body.

Mentally I tend to catastrophize, amplify, panic, which make my ailments worse. Since I did psychotherapy around 2 years ago, I have become more aware of these destructive thought patterns. I also studied cognitive biases, mental distortions, and I study psychology on a regular basis dedicating at least 500 min weekly for this subject.

Moreover, there is a pattern that repeats itself, being impulsive when practicing sport and not implementing baby steps to level up my training and avoid injuries. 


How have I improved?

When I went to my neighbor’s house, a retired businessman, we had a 40 min chat. Then I cycled for around 15 min and showered. I ended up feeling better and my shoulder pain subsided.

I grasped the importance of socializing more and avoiding isolation and going out more often. Even my psychiatrist says that I need to go out more which is already happening. Meantime, as an introvert and a person working from home, I should actively seek out opportunities to connect with others. In fact, I have two friends I only meet with often, my other friends moved out of my town and all my brothers are expats.

Seeking medical attention or not?


I made an appointment to consult a doctor then I canceled it as I knew I had to rest my shoulder more and I was able to notice that  my increasing health anxiety increases the shoulder muscle contraction and pain. That is it is mostly psychosomatic.

Besides, I use a mobile app to track my training and I know the date when I stopped training because of injury. This tracking app help me pinpoint the date of the injury and I understood I can wait more.

So how did I know I needed to wait more?


The doctor I used to visit years ago very often told me to wait up to 3 weeks with these kinds of injuries, which are mostly amplified by muscle contraction, anxiety, and isolation. He even did not want to get paid once because I consulted him so much for joints and muscle overuse injury or tendinitis. These include, knee, wrist, ankle, shoulder etc. He even looked at my file and said that it looks like a file of a 70s old man when I was in my mid thirties.

Update after nearly 3 weeks of this shoulder issue?


Fortunately, I started to feel much better lately, and nearly regained all my shoulder mobility. As I have many interests, hobbies and I go out more often. Besides, this epitomizes probably more than 50 visits to orthopedists, so I have some experience with this kind of injury, and can often accurately determine when to seek medical attention or just rest, stay active mentally and physically -exercising other muscles- and be patient.

To gain more control over my life and mental illnesses I structure my days productively, using Google Calendar, a habit app, weight tracker, also a finance app. Moreover, I started using a mood and sleep tracker app called eMoods. As they say it “What is measured can be managed and improved”.

“What is measured can be managed and improved”.


Bio: My First Manic Episode

I experienced my first bipolar manic episode at the age of 17, when I was at high school. For many reasons I can think of;


Genetics

Bipolar disorder runs deep in my mother’s family, approximately half of my mother’s brothers and sisters have bipolar disorder.


A dysfunctional family


Our family was not particularly stable and peaceful. My father was a bully, a pathological liar and a control freak. My mother who is suffering from his abuse to this day kept talking in his back about his destructive behavior to us. Which made us dislike and fear him much more.

In short, there was not much peace in my family, except that the relationship between young brothers was pretty good. We practiced different kinds of sports, played LEGO, Monopoly, and did much together.


I did not adapt well to the new town


I struggled to fit in after moving to a small town from a big city.

We did not have the same accent. I was beaten by other students more than once and two teachers even slapped me. This, combined with my father’s abuse, further damaged my self-esteem and confidence.

I had an accident


I was injured and despite the physician’s advice, I looked at my injury—a 9-inch cut where I could see the bone. That was disturbing and I felt more fragile. Fortunately, I only needed 15 stitches on my right leg.


A Recollection to my Visits to Psychiatrists After the First Manic Episode


At that time my first psychiatrist was not pleased that I didn’t tell him about my leg injury sooner, as my first manic episode occurred shortly after the accident.

The first psychiatrist I consulted in the presence of my mother, gave me Haldol, Carbamazepine and Artane. I was not taking my medication as prescribed, and the psychiatrist eventually stopped treating me after I made disrespectful comments. I went to another renowned psychiatrist but he prescribed much more medication than the first psychiatrist.

My parents did not like that so we went back to the first psychiatrist after I agreed I would respect him.

How was this first episode

I was very energetic, I did not sleep, I became very organized and I liked to tidy up my room. I thought I became an important and a great person, like a philosopher or a legendary martial artist. I damaged the relationship with some of my friends. At school I did not study for a trimester. But thankfully, the high school headmistress, and some teachers helped me succeed that year.

I stayed mostly medication compliant for a couple of years. Nearly everything went back to normal. I got my high school degree and went to university. 

In an upcoming post I will talk about the cost of underestimating mental health issues and being non-adherent to my medication.